My Testimony

 

Before God saved me, I grew up attending a variety of churches, ranging from very liberal to somewhat conservative ones. In that time, I learned a little about the Bible, mainly consisting of the basics of right and wrong and what I would call a “partial” gospel. Then when I became a teenager, I was told that I should make a “decision” to get saved and be born again. Though not really understanding what all that meant and having only an intellectual knowledge of some Biblical facts, I consented and said the “sinner’s prayer” and supposedly “accepted Jesus into my heart.” In doing that, I was trying to be obedient and do the “right” thing, but none of it had any impact on me. No change or transformation occurred. I was still the same old Elizabeth. I just went through the motions and said the words I was supposed to say, but I had neither a real sense of my unworthiness before God nor any true remorse over my sin beyond a shallow conviction. I mentally assented to the gospel, but I never truly repented of my sin or committed my life to following Christ as my Lord and Savior. After this, I was told that I needed to get baptized and join the choir, which I did. But, again, in all of this, I was totally unaffected and still spiritually lifeless. Outwardly, I had followed the traditional prescription for becoming a Christian, but deep down I wondered – was I really saved? For years, I had that nagging feeling inside.  Was I truly saved, and how could I know for certain? Though I secretly doubted my salvation at times and was honestly confused about the matter, I thought I was saved, because I did the “right” things. Afterall, I was a straight “A” student; worked hard; volunteered in the church; and didn’t do drugs, alcohol, or profanity. I was a “good” girl… or so I thought.

 

Then I graduated and went off into the “world” (i.e., the Air Force and then college) and lived on my own. And without the normal restraints of church and family, I went astray from the “good” path. What I didn’t realize is that I was never on the good path in the first place. I didn’t go to church except on holidays, I never prayed or read the Bible, and I dated the wrong kind of guys. I eventually ended up living with my boyfriend for many years. And all my thoughts and goals were just centered on the here and now, how I could move up in the world, and nothing about God or eternity. In fact, any time a spiritual thought about God or death and hell entered my mind, I would purposely try to suppress it and forget about it, because it frightened me. Though God was very gracious in sending me these reminders of Him, I repeatedly ignored His warnings. I had decided that I was going to live my way and not His way. Though I was thought to be wise by the world’s standards, due to my grades, in God’s school (which is what really counts), I was an “F” student spiritually and extremely unwise. Oh, how very patient God was with me, as I wandered down the path toward further self-deception and self-destruction, all the while thinking that I was on the way up.

 

During this period of my life, I had a lot of serious trials, which, in hindsight, I believe God was using to humble me and cause me to seek Him.  Though I sought Him superficially for a little while, as soon as things got better, I returned to my old ways and quickly forgot God. Moreover, I was not very happy, because I continually felt convicted about my living with my boyfriend. My conscience plagued me. Though people thought I was a “goody-two-shoes,” I knew the truth – that I was really living in sin. Though I knew it was wrong, I did not want to repent and give up my boyfriend. He was my idol and more important to me than God. Even though I eventually left that relationship, because he didn’t want to get married, I ended up in another similar relationship later on, further compounding my sin.

 

My life went on like this – empty, unfulfilled, and just pursuing the things of this world. And all the while I thought I was saved, because, as a teenager, I had said the sinner’s prayer (and probably at least 10 more times after that just to be safe), got baptized, joined the church, and was “told” that I was definitely saved – not by God or my own conscience, but by others – again, because I had followed the “prescribed” method for getting saved. And I was told that if I had any doubts about my salvation, that it was just the enemy trying to discourage me or worse, that I was sinning by not trusting God’s Word.

 

Many years later, I met my husband, and we got married. And we joined a church and got quite involved in various ministries, even in evangelism, and yet, amazingly, I was still not saved. I attended many Bible studies and a life group, listened to sermons on the radio, read the Bible, ministered to those in need, and got involved in all sorts of church activities, but I was still spiritually DEAD! God’s Word was in my mind, but not in my heart! And there was still that nagging question in the back of my mind – was I really saved? Surely, I must be, I thought. I was doing all the “right” things and believed all the “correct” doctrine, but honestly, there had never been any true change in me, and I was still enslaved to sin in my heart. Though others did not know this, I knew it. And honestly, I did not really love God. Nor did I delight in obeying Him. In fact, His commandments were often a burden to me. Deep down, I enjoyed the things of the world more than the things of God.

 

Moreover, I could not recall any distinct point in my past when a true conversion had occurred. If someone asked me when and how I got saved, I didn’t really have a testimony – just that I grew up in the church and always believed in God and the Bible and that, as a teenager, I said the sinner’s prayer and got baptized. That’s all I could really say. There was no “before conversion” or “after conversion” part of my testimony, because there never was a true conversion. I couldn’t compare how I was after my conversion to how I was before it, because I never underwent a change. My story was fuzzy and vague, because I really didn’t have a story to tell, and deep down, I really didn’t know if I was saved. That was because I had never experienced the new birth. It was not until I was about 30 years old that God finally “awakened” me and turned the lights on! WOW! What an incredible difference! This time it was a true conversion, and I became a “new creature in Christ”! By God’s power and grace alone, my mere intellectual faith was replaced with true saving faith!

 

It all happened when I was doing my devotions one morning and reading John 4 about the Samaritan woman at the well. I had read that passage numerous times before without any effect on me. But this time, because it was God’s appointed time for me, that passage absolutely floored me! I had no idea it was coming. Like the wind blows where and when it wishes and can’t be controlled or predicted (Jn. 3), the Holy Spirit decided to give me a new heart that day. According to God’s perfect timetable (not mine), His Spirit pierced my heart through with the sword of His Word and thoroughly convicted me, bringing me to true saving faith in Him and repentance.

 

While reading about the Samaritan woman’s sin, I suddenly felt like I was looking at myself in a mirror. It was as if God took the blinders off me or opened my eyes. For the first time in my life, I could see what I was really like – not good as I had previously thought, but instead, very, very sinful – as the KJV puts it, “exceedingly” sinful! Before that, I had never seen my sin of fornication or premarital relationships like that. Like most people, I didn’t think it was that bad of a sin, compared to what other people do. I made the mistake of comparing myself to others instead of to God, who is perfect. I had never perceived myself that way before - never. What’s more, I was guilty not only of past sexual sin (before marriage), but even worse, of pride and trusting in myself – my knowledge, my achievements, my possessions, and my own goodness! God had to bring me very low – to the end of myself - and shatter my self-confidence! Being extremely humbled by this new self-awareness, I literally broke down in tears, weeping and sobbing over my sin and begging God for forgiveness. Finally, by God’s grace, my eyes were opened and I believed from my heart and not just my mind and genuinely repented! And I began weeping again – this time, not in sorrow, but for great joy over the fact that I knew God had forgiven me and that Jesus loved me so much that He died for my sins to save me – me, a sinful and undeserving woman! And I wondered how He could love me that much. I was so overwhelmed by His amazing love and mercy! Then, strangely, a sort of flood or wave of extreme joy, like I had never experienced before, overcame me! And I felt like I was being cleansed spiritually from head to toe – literally! Please don’t misunderstand. I’m not charismatic in any way and, in fact, very concerned by certain elements in that movement (e.g., the over-emphasis on miraculous gifts, counterfeit signs, an imbalanced approach to Scripture, focusing on emotions and experiences to the exclusion of sound doctrine, etc.), but I would be remiss if I did not also say that we who are on the conservative side of the church often tend to go the opposite extreme and dismiss all supernatural experiences. Yes, I have to be totally honest - I actually felt it. And I could not stop praising God and rejoicing in Him! I had never ever experienced such joy, such happiness, and such utter and complete ecstasy before in all my life! In saying this, I’m not implying that every believer has or should have the same experience – not at all. God works differently in everyone. I know this. But at the same time, I can’t deny that that was my own experience. Admittedly, I was a bit hesitant in sharing this, because I know that some focus far too much on the supernatural and trust in their experience rather than in CHRIST for their salvation. And though their lives have never been transformed, they still look back to their experience as certain proof of their conversion. I just wanted to make sure that I made that distinction and clarified my view on this point.

 

After my conversion, that nagging feeling as to whether I was saved went away and the heavy burden of my guilt was lifted. I knew, without a doubt, that I was saved (by God’s grace). It was so clear. I didn’t have to wonder anymore. In my case, my conversion was RADICAL! It was like night and day and a 180 degree turn in the opposite direction! With great enthusiasm and a sense of urgency, I immediately went about sharing the gospel with as many people as I could. I just couldn’t stop talking about Jesus. I was on fire! This was totally out of character for me, because naturally, I was very shy, conservative, and reserved and would’ve never done anything like that before. But now I didn’t care – souls were more important to me than possibly being rejected by people. I felt like I had to warn people, like someone would a person who is in a house that’s on fire. How could I live with myself if I knew how people could be saved but remained silent!

 

My family and friends thought I was crazy and fanatical. They noticed the radical change in me. And I noticed it, too. Whereas before, I prayed and read the Bible because it was the “right” thing to do, now prayer was like breathing to me and came quite naturally. And no one had to tell me to read the Scriptures. It was a given – like eating and drinking. God’s Word was no longer just ink on paper, but alive, active, and powerful! I wanted to devour the Bible. I read it several times a day and couldn’t get enough of it. I memorized not only verses, but long passages, and even chapters. And I read as many Christian books and listened to as many sermons as I could. I studied church history, theology, and much more. I was incredibly hungry! (Please understand that I’m not saying this in pride or boasting, as if I had anything to boast about. I’m just telling the truth – of how God radically transformed my whole way of thinking and living – solely and completely by His grace and nothing in me! I could and would not have done any of these things on my own! Sin and self ruled on the throne of my heart before. It was only God who moved in me and stirred up my spirit.) Furthermore, when I prayed, unlike before, I could now sense God’s presence. Before, He had seemed so distant and remote, but now He was very real to me and near. And I had a deepening awareness of my remaining sin, which I became increasingly sensitive to over time, the closer I grew to God. And I had a deep concern for lost souls and the sad state of the church. One of the biggest changes I experienced was in how I viewed God, other people, and myself. Before, like most people, my goals and interests were largely self-focused. But now, God reoriented my thoughts to be more God-centered and others-centered. I also perceived people very differently. Whereas before, I evaluated people, like others do, based on their exterior appearance, education, personality, profession, accomplishments, etc., now I saw people in one of two ways – either saved or unsaved. That’s it. Either someone was my brother in Christ, if he was saved, or in need of the Lord, if he was not saved. How simple. All that other superficial stuff didn’t matter anymore. The most highly esteemed person in my eyes was not someone who was rich, famous, or beautiful, but the one who was most loving, humble, and godly.

 

How God radically changed my whole way of thinking and living! And I am eternally grateful for how He saved me – all by His grace and nothing more. I didn’t do anything to contribute to my salvation. He did it all! And all the glory goes to Him. Looking back, I can’t say I have quite the same fervor and passion now that I had when God first saved me, as a bride has when she first gets married, but I can say that God has grown me, despite my slowness in learning and stubbornness, and taught me many lessons that I needed to learn (often through the crucible of pain). And He has faithfully sustained me all these years, through all the vicissitudes of life, strengthening my faith and continually reminding me to cling to Him in every situation and not look to myself or anything else. And the longer I know Him, the greater He becomes in my eyes and the smaller I become in contrast. By His grace and the gradual stripping away of the crutches I leaned on, I have come to see that I am utterly powerless on my own, totally dependent on God, and in need of constant forgiveness, as I repeatedly fail. In essence, I am nothing. I really mean that. And that’s not a lack of self-esteem (which I don’t promote anyway) or false humility, but just a growing realization that without God, I can do absolutely nothing. “A man can receive nothing unless it has been given to Him by God.” “Apart from Me you can do nothing.” I obviously have a long way to go still in my sanctification and will always be a work-in-progress until my dying day or until the Lord returns. But I believe God’s promise that He will someday finish the work He has begun in me and in all those who believe. Until then, I will wait on Him, because “He is my strength and my hope!”